Pursuit of My Days

Every time I think I find my niche, that place where life makes sense and there is a rhythm that fuels the movement of my being, every time, it’s as if  something in my heart gets an automatic reset and reboot.

As a result, it somehow feels as if many changes and waves have washed over my life, many things I have sort out, many things I have found, and lost. However, through it all, I’ve realised one thing has remained a constant.

LOVE.
Particularly, God’s love for me demonstrated through Jesus Christ.

Sometimes I don’t know how to talk about His love without sounding cheesy and cliché, and sometimes I don’t even have words to describe what my experience of His love has actually been in my life. God has called me out of deep darkness that only He and I know. He has called me into a life of love and light that’s depths only He knows and only I know as He draws me unto Himself. How does one write about that? How does one begin describing something so tangible and real, yet so mysterious and deeply personal?

Maybe this is what faith is about though… The indescribable. Again, that just sounded too cliché.

I digress.

Needless to say that through every niche I thought I found, was the sure to follow, dare I say, unsatisfaction? Upon the realisation that my “niche” was somehow not working, I’d feel terribly inconsistent about life. However, upon realising that I did in fact have a consistent theme running through my life (the afore-mentioned love of God), I have finally stopped foolishly looking for a niche. I might finally have come to the point of giving up looking for a thing to be good at, or a life purpose here on earth that will drive my days. Because the truth be told, the only thing that makes sense to my heart is loving Him and learning everything He teaches me.

Oh boy, does He teach me!

I have days, when I feel special, and I feel like I have something to offer the world, like I can do something to make a difference. Perhaps this may even be true. But how noble a pursuit is it when the beginning of the previous sentence feels laced with pride. “I feel special”. I don’t think feeling special is bad or wrong, but do I honestly want that to be the pursuit of my days?

The pulling and nudging in my heart has always been to be real, genuine, true in this life. When I was younger, this was true, but the truth was laden with longing for recognition. So often I longed for THAT THING. The thing I could pursue, be good at and acknowledged for. My heart’s cry now is somewhat different. While I still seek truth and to live a genuine life, less of me feels the need to be recognised for anything other than the love of Christ.

It’s so simple, yet still somehow indescribable to me. The love of Christ is in fact where I find my “niche”.

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