Why are you so hard on yourself?

I felt a little lost entering 2013,
the same amount of lost I felt leaving 2012.
I just don’t get it, this thing called life.

I thought I was. Getting it.
But it still eludes me.
Maybe just a little disillusioned.

I seek truth.
To fight lies that always seems to threaten my mind.
But there still seems to be two voices.
There are always two voices.
And I hate that I always end up in that awkward middle ground.

Maybe this is everyone’s struggle.
Thinking we’re getting better,
Till something comes and knocks us down again.
Most of the time though,
I think, that something is me.
There is no one else to blame.

I feel a little disillusioned,
By the sense of purpose I felt.
I was so sure.
So sure that I was meant to do something specific,
something special with my life.
And yet the evidence of my life speaks volumes.

So there’s a voice that beckons,
Telling me to push through,
Because there is indeed purpose in all the madness.
My own inner voice.
The voice of dreams and visions,
Of inner convictions and revelations.
Also the voice of those who believe in my potential.
Prophecies,
Words of encouragement.


And then there’s the voice
The voice pointing, “Look at your life”
Is this the fruits of a child of God?
You’re an ordinary person.
And not a good one at that.

The voice that reminds me of all the times I’ve tried,
And failed.
The voice that reminds me of prayers I’ve prayed,
Things I’ve hoped for,
And seen no evidence of.
Times where I chose faith,
And nothing happened.
It’s strange really.
This awkward middle ground.

How does one feel so confident,
And yet so insecure.
So wise,
And yet so stupid.
So strong,
And yet so weak.
So hopeful,
And yet so hopeless.
So sure of purpose,
And yet so unsure of the path.

Faith and unbelief do not co-exist.
So what is this?
Why is my mind so often tormented?
I know truth.
And still struggle to discern lies.
Until it’s too late.
Or almost.
The duality makes me tired.


I want no part in evil.
And yet my propensity towards sin just makes me feel bad.
And it’s as if scripture itself torments me.
See, I know God’s standard is holiness.
And the plain truth is,
Often, I don’t feel good enough.
Like I just don’t make the cut.


The common Christian answer,
Obvious and straightforward
Simply, “God’s grace”.
God’s grace and love that covers a multitude of sin.

I don’t think I understand then.
Because I’ve accepted this.
Truly.
And yet.
I feel like somehow if I really understood,
I shouldn’t be in this place.
Struggling.


My faith is being tested.
All the time,
It seems.
And I don’t always feel like I’m passing.


I know God’s forgiveness.
But I also know He is a just God.
He doesn’t tolerate sin and disobedience.
I almost feel doomed.
I fear Him most of all.
And everyday I pray for mercy.
But I don’t want to just survive.
I realise that I have allowed the enemy’s lies,
to infiltrate my mind.
And only the Word.
Jesus.
Truth.
Can conquer that.
I know God’s forgiveness.

I feel so undeserving.
I feel I have so far to go…
But I also know that I can’t fix myself.
I got tired of trying.
And even though I feel like I’m not sure,
How to move forward,
as in the next step,
I’m walking blindly anyway.

Hoping that He’ll open my eyes to see.
Really see.
My heart is sore.
Disappointment and sadness I suppose.
But I don’t want to become bitter.
And I’m not.


the Truth,
shall set me free.

 

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