Waiting is really testing. Really really testing.
One four letter word that suddenly makes everything about me feel like it’s slowly being tortured. I mean, I haven’t really given it much thought before. I’ve always considered myself patient and enduring in nature. Lately however, I have concluded that patience might just possibly encompass the whole of our beings, and that beyond a character trait, maybe I had a much deeper need to understand patience and endurance, or “long-suffering” as the bible sometimes calls it. This was the only explanation I could come up with for my recent “wait” struggle. (I tend to think God teaches me the hard way, because I have the tendency to be stubborn).
Thus far, waiting, it seems has tested every fiber of my thought processes and every inch of my heart matter, even reaching into the physical body. My muscles are tense, my emotions frustrated, and my mind doubtful.
I am positive, generally… but honestly, waiting has not been pretty. I seem to have found that waiting has the ability to tear down all facades of grandeur. Waiting has the power to humble.
I struggle as I grapple with my own weaknesses. I recognise my pride, the sense of entitlement I find within me. I lay it at the cross. I struggle as I find hidden fears and doubts. I lay it at the cross. I find within me selfishness, and the tendency to seek comfort. God never promised comfort. I lay it at the cross. I find within myself the arrogant need to feel in control of something, as if I could ever be “all-knowing”. I lay it at the cross. I slowly begin to realise just how little “long-suffering” I am able to own unto myself. None really. I humbly discover how patient I REALLY am, or more accurately, am not. And even as I come before the cross to lay it all down, I struggle.
How weak and foolish. Yet… How marvelous and all-encompassing the grace and mercy of Christ my Saviour.
In humility He teaches me. Through my struggles, He teaches me.
He is teaching me, everyday.
Today I have learned a little more about humility. A little more about His mercy.
I come to Him with my weakness, and He shows His perfect strength. His correction has been ever so gentle. Instead of my selfishness and doubts, He teaches me how to surrender, how to trust Him. It’s a process really, a really testing process.
My “wait issue” I realise, is simply rooted in the age-old “heavy laden with too much of me”… and too little of Him.
I need to lose some pride pounds.
A big fat dish of humble pie, a healthy helping of life lessons and a love adventure that motivates me to exercise my faith daily.
Then a certain scribe came and said to Him, “Teacher, I will follow You wherever You go.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day.