That awkward moment when you start a blog with the full intention of posting all your (exaggeration warning!) absolutely AMAAAAAZING writing treasures buried deep within your soul that you just know you simply HAVE to put out there… and then… Nothing.
This is me being awkward, and kinda sad. Sad as in lame. Lame as in uncool. There, I said it.
In a matter of no time at all, I went from happily writing random, even somewhat good (I’m biased) pieces of writing every day, to simply just not getting any words out at all. This might largely be linked to the fact that I simply love reading other blogs, and through all the amazingness I find, I tend to subconsciously… well, and consciously (let’s be honest) become very intimidated!
I run down the self-doubt road with utter horror on my face screaming, “oh hell, I can’t write an awesome blog like that!!?? I’m a complete amateur! TONI!!! What. the. HELL! where you thinking??!” or something along those lines. I think about it and secretly want to blame every person who has ever encouraged me to write! How dare they say good things about my writing?!
Stupid, I know.
Yet knowing it’s stupid somehow makes it worse.
Because then I find myself shuffling around feel good phrases to make myself feel better, like “It’s ok, I will write for Jesus” or “I don’t care about the audience, I write for the love of writing”
Seriously, I do sincerely write for the love of writing. I honestly can’t NOT write. That just makes no sense.
However, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care. I do care. I care about who reads what I write and I care that at least someone is hearing and caring about what I have to say. One writes because one has thoughts and opinions or stories to share. Obviously. One does not write and simply not care. That’s daft.
So, here I am. Writing. Just writing.
Hopefully someday I would be able to say that I have found the balance in caring enough to write meaningful words, powerful words, influential words that need an audience, while maintaining that I am writing purely for the joy of writing without being too critical of myself or wanting some kind of affirmation.
[End of awkward ramblings… for today]